Blü • VI

REGRET

The dock is steady. The water is patient. And Blü is waiting.

I stepped out onto the boards this cool morning. The tide was already pulling out, and the river ran brown from the storms of the last week. The sky held those low, heavy clouds that only a coastline seems to know how to make. Salt hung thick in the air. You could smell it with every breath.

In the live oaks the quarrel between the birds and the squirrels had already gotten an early start. The whole tree was full of noise and commotion. Just another Cainhoy morning.

Across the water the blue heron rose from the far bank. It took its time. The massive wings beat slow and hard, the sound of them carrying across the water in a way that felt almost too large for the quiet. For a few long seconds it struggled for height, then found it. The grace in that heavy body once it cleared the marsh was something to see.

I watched until the heron was gone. The boards stayed cool under my feet. The brown water kept sliding toward the harbor. The salt still filled the air. Only the heron had left, and the place it had risen from would not hold it again.

I stood there a while longer and let the ordinary morning keep unfolding.

The heron had left the same way it always left. Slow. Heavy. Certain once it found the air. I have watched that shape rise from the far bank more mornings than I can count. Not every morning. Just enough.

There was no first day. No moment when I decided it mattered. It simply kept returning until the place it stood felt known.

I kept looking at the empty bank. The brown water moved past the pilings. The salt still hung in the air. Nothing else had changed. Only the quiet where the heron had been. And that quiet sat differently now.

We rarely notice the moment something becomes part of us. There is no announcement. No decision. It simply keeps returning until one day the place feels incomplete without it. The absence does not create the attachment. It only reveals that the attachment was already there.

It happens with ordinary things. The way the light falls across a certain stretch of water at a certain hour. The sound of a particular bird calling from the same trees. The quiet presence of something that asked nothing and still became part of the morning.

You do not mark the day it first arrived. You only notice later, when the light is different or the call does not come, that something small has shifted in the way the place holds you.

It is the same with people. A voice from the next room. A hand on your shoulder. A familiar laugh. The same question asked a hundred times until it becomes part of the air between you.

None of them announce their importance. They simply keep returning. Until one day they do not, and the silence they leave behind feels heavier than the sound ever did.

How much of regret is simply grief for what we failed to notice while it was still here?

Sometimes that is regret.

But not always.

Sometimes we noticed. We knew exactly what mattered and still said the wrong thing. Still stayed away too long. Still chose pride. Anger. Fear. Distraction. Or the quiet assumption that there would be another chance.

That is a different kind of weight.

That is where guilt begins.

Guilt still has direction. It can ask something of us. An apology. A repair. A change. Making amends where they are still possible.

Regret is harder.

Sometimes there is no action left that can reach the thing itself. The door has already closed. The chance to move it has already passed.

What do we do with a weight that cannot be moved?

There is no apology that reaches it. No repair left. No second chance waiting on the other side of the door.

The weight stays.

The only question left is how we carry it without letting it take today as well.

If something of value falls into this river, it is gone.

A ring from a mother. A grandfather’s watch.

It hits the surface once, then sinks. The water closes over it. The current carries it into the darkness below the pilings.

You can watch the place where it disappeared. You can know exactly what it meant. You can stand here wanting it back with everything you have.

It does not come back.

The river does not return what it takes.

Sometimes regret feels exactly like that.

Not because we forgot what mattered, but because we knew its value only after it slipped from our hands. Or worse, because we knew the value and still failed to hold on.

You can dive after it. Search the bottom. Reach into mud and dark water until your hands are cut and tired. Sometimes you recover what was lost.

Sometimes you do not.

And when you do not, the river does not become cruel. It simply keeps moving.

It is not judgment. It is only irreversible.

Sometimes what falls into the river is not something we lost. Sometimes we threw it.

Not because we wanted it gone forever. We were angry. We were hurt. We were proud. And we told ourselves there would still be time to reach back down and pick it up when the feeling passed.

There would be another phone call. Another knock at the door. Another chance to say I love you after the words we wished we could take back.

Until you can’t.

And once you throw it into the river, there is no getting it back.

Regret says I wish I had done differently.

Guilt answers: you could have.

The mind does not leave it alone.

It replays the moment. It edits the conversation. Tries a different word, a softer tone, a longer pause. It invents the version where you answered differently, where pride stayed quiet, where the hand reached instead of withdrew.

It keeps dragging you back to a door that no longer opens.

That is where guilt and regret stop being memories. They become a place. A place someone can live in for years without realizing they have never left it.

And that is the danger.

When a person lives there too long, the past moves in and never leaves. It takes up residence without asking. It takes today. It takes joy. It takes sleep. It takes the quiet ability to receive love from the people who are still here. Other relationships begin to carry the weight of a door that no longer opens. It does not announce itself. It simply stays, claiming more of the present with each passing day, until the life still moving feels thinner than the one that already ended.

The only question left is how we carry it without letting it take today as well.

The past has already taken what it took. We do not have to keep feeding it with the only life still in front of us.

There is a line that can still be held. Not the closed door. The open ones. The people still reachable. The morning still arriving. The water still moving under the dock.

The only water still available is this water. The only morning still available is this one.

That is not a release of the past. It is a refusal to keep giving the past the present as well.

Something was present before the moment failed. Something remains after it. That quieter fact does not undo the loss. It only refuses to let the loss become the only thing that is true.

The person standing on these boards still has weight. Still has a morning. Still has water moving under their feet.

That is what remains.

The person still standing here is already worth the life they were born into.

That quiet fact changes how the next moments are met. Not as penance. Not as a lifelong correction of what already closed. Simply as someone who is still here, still breathing, still able to choose.

You answer the next call because the life in front of you is worth the call. You say the thing sooner because the people still reachable are worth the words. You reach because reaching is still possible.

The life that continues is not required to stay at what has already finished.

The boards are still underfoot. The salt is still in the air. The one standing here is still breathing.

Not the figure left behind. Not only the one who failed. The life that continues on this side of the water, still becoming.

I stepped off the boards onto the sandy path that leads toward the house. My feet sank slightly with each step. The live oaks stretched their shadows across the ground. In the trees the birds had finished their quarrel with the squirrel. The morning had gone quiet again. I did not look back at the dock. I did not need to.

The closed door remained closed. The water kept moving. And the one who is still becoming came with me.

Throne steady. Kingdom vigilant. Unbroken.🔥

King of Cainhoy🇺🇸🔥